Forks in the Road
by edwardcullenissosexy
Summary: One decision can wreck many hearts, break them all into tiny pieces. The power to choose can make a monster out of you. They will all blame themselves, despite who the real person to blame is. Let the self loathing begin.
1. Life's Little Choices

**_Summary: After a conversation with her soon to be sister-in-law, Bella Swan needs to seriously think about where her life is going. Her love for Edward is stronger than anything. Nothing can change that. But can the need to be human wreck more than the two lives? Once a choice is made, you can't really turn back, but they have forever to change things. HEARTBREAK follows the paths of these children. When they come to a fork in the road, which coice will they choose? And when they realize they've made a wrong turn, will the road circle back to the start and give them another chance? _**

_**Also, ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK! Okay, all you die-hard Edward fans out there, (I would totally murder me if I were you. Or if someone else was doing this story. I would flame flame flame and then encourage the author to use said flames to roast Jacob Black alive.) I LOVE EDWARD. Remember that throughtout the story, and you won't freak out too much. Just because the next few chapters cause you physical pain and burn your eyes, DON'T STOP READING PLEASE. You can't have a rainbow without the rain. Once I'm done with the next couple of chapters, the tables will turn and you will be screaming for joy while the others cry THEIR eyes out. PLEASE. again, I LOVE EDWARD. I HATED JAKE. (ed I know, but I just feel sorry for him now and think he's hot. But he's got nothing on Edward. Seriously. DEATH TO JACOB! (i shall not be killing him tho, and I hope Steph doesn't either) GO IMPRINT WITH LEAH!) **_

_**No murdering the author! I recently decided that I wanted to do this (actually I've been fighting it for a while...) but I HATE Jacob (or I used to) and I am totally team Edward. You'll see how this turns out. I rather like the idea actually. I'm not sure how long it's going to be but I already know how its going to end. So you shall not convince me to drag it out! I don't think my choices in characters will get in the way of the story here because I tend to make Jake a little too nice when I write about him, instead of being a jerk like he usually is. (In the words of Bella Swan 'when the werewolf is being nice, its the best') So, I no longer hate him. My friends will hate me for doing this. And by writting this, I expect my very first 'flame'. Come on people! Do it! I dare you. Flame me! JK. I'm not sure if I have ever gotten a 'flame' before because I don't let it bother me. I have gotten little complaints but no real 'you're writting sucks, you need to stop.' Or something like that. Not even for Seeing Double which DID suck. But I'm expecting some 'how on earth could you do this, you're an insult to Twilight fans everywhere, how can you call yourself Team Edward? Traitor.' But to all of these, just wait and see how it turns out... I will have so much fun with this one, and sorry if that seems a little cruel. Please don't hate me! I still love Edward with most of my heart. (there are small little protions owned by Alexander Sterling, Jace Wayland, Stefan Salvatore, Micheal Glass, Lorchan Furey, Erik Night... and then there are TEENY TINY CRUSHES on Jared, Ian, Emmett, Jasper, Jacob, Quil, and Carlisle... Oh, and a little crush on James Marsden (sp) AND a less than little but not totally huge crush on Gerard Way he likes books! And he's hot and funny! And I sound like a slut for liking so many people. I just fall in love with unatainable people a lot. Oh, and something Jill will never know... I observed cuteness of another non-dateable person except that this person is undateable in ways that my friends would MURDER me if they found out about my observation. But since Jill has already read this chapter, Steph won't read it, I don't think Ana will, and IDK if any of my other friends will decide to fanfiction, so I'm all good. hehe) **_

_**So anyways**_

_**still w4bd≤ (waiting for breaking dawn and loving edward. sign it and spread Twilightness)**_

_**Kasey aka edwardcullenissosexy**_

_**oh yeah, and Taylor Swift loves Twilight and you so stay beautiful. **_

_**Oh, and this takes place in Eclipse, after Rosalie's conversation with Bella. **_

I tossed and turned on the balck couch in Edward's room. I was being held captive! And not only that, but I now I had Rosalie's words swirling in my head, keeping me from sleep. _You will remember though. It's a lot to give up. _Yes, but I would get everything I had ever wanted from the moment I knew I was in love with Edward. Wouldn't I?

What if when my mind had grown up more that I realized I had made a huge mistake? That if I had _really _thought about it, I wouldn't have changed. I would have stayed human.

What if it _was_too much to give up. My mind flashed to my almost human best friend. I had been pondering over why it hurt so much to think about leaving him behing when I entered the immortal world.

I eventually fell asleep. And when I did, it was a nightmare, not just caused by Edward's absence.

I dreamed of Rosalie's sitution. But also my own. I was sitting on _my_ front porch. I had my little girl in my lap while my son and Edward played tag in the yard. His dark hair glinted in the sunlight as he chased after his father. His father wasn't sparkling.

The little girl sitting next to me looked up with beautiful brown eyes.

"Can I play too, mommy?"

"Of course you can, sweetie." I replied. She jumped off the swing and ran to join the game. Edward flashed me a dazzling grin and he scooped up our daughter, setting her on his shoulders. Their hair color blended, though hers was lighter than his, and you could no longer tell the difference between whose hair was whose.

"Gotcha! You're it." He put her down again and ran a few steps forward. She chased after him then abruptly turned around, trying to grab at her brother. His green eyes sparkled as he ran away from her. She sped up and her hand brushed his arm.

"Tag. You're it." He kicked his foot, showing off his temper that he had inherited from both parents.

He then chased after his dad. Edward's hair glimmered in the sunlight. But he didn't. The diamond faucets that were usually set in his skin, glittering in sunlight, throwing rainbows in every direction, weren't there. Edward was human.

But that wasn't possible,

The vision changed abrubtly. My children's pale skin tone darkened and my daughter's hair shifted from bronze to brown, my son's eyes changed to black. The man standing next to him, grew and turned into Jacob Black.

**_Just in case you missed it earlier... Also, ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK! Okay, all you die-hard Edward fans out there, (I would totally murder me if I were you. Or if someone else was doing this story. I would flame flame flame and then encourage the author to use said flames to roast Jacob Black alive.) I LOVE EDWARD. Remember that throughtout the story, and you won't freak out too much. Just because the next few chapters cause you physical pain and burn your eyes, DON'T STOP READING PLEASE. You can't have a rainbow without the rain. Once I'm done with the next couple of chapters, the tables will turn and you will be screaming for joy while the others cry THEIR eyes out. PLEASE. again, I LOVE EDWARD. I HATED JAKE. (ed I know, but I just feel sorry for him now and think he's hot. But he's got nothing on Edward. Seriously. DEATH TO JACOB! (i shall not be killing him tho, and I hope Steph doesn't either) GO IMPRINT WITH LEAH!) _**

The next morning, I was still mad at Alice. And, I was still thinking about my dreams. I could still see the angel watching me resentfully while I crawled, dying, down the street. Her resent was because I was dying, and she couldn't. She had been right where I was now, about to greet death, and then it was all snatched away from her. She could never be human again, and she would never be human.

There were so many things, according to her, that I could do and she couldn't. _Would_ I want kids sometime down the road, if it meant I had to live without Edward? I stalked off towards English, ignoring Mike when he tried to talk to me, ignoring Alice's glare.

The vision of my kids running around, chasing a human Edward was still there too. But Edward couldn't be human. I was the only one of us who could be, and I wanted to give that humanity away. Maybe Rosalie was right. You couldn't be rash about permanent things. And if I stayed human, I wouldn't have to leave Charlie and Renee. I could stay friends with Jacob. I could have children. Grow old.

But what would those things be worth with out Edward?

Did they rank higher than I had originally thought on the list of things I wanted in my life? I had never actually _thought_ about this, and maybe I should have before I signed my humanity away and traded it in for super strength and beauty, a world of staying out of the sun.

What if I was destined to be in the sun? I had grown up with it, always loved it. Had always hated the clouds and the rain. And now I dreaded sunny days and thanked the heavens above when it was pouring down rain and Edward greeted me with glistening wet hair.

But maybe I needed the sun more than I thought. After all, I became more _human_ when I was with Jacob, considered him to be my own personal sun. If I became a vampire, I would not only be giving up my own personal sun, but the real sun too. Could I handle that, or would I go insane?

What if I became a ticking time bomb, destined to hurt everyone around me when I suddenly snapped. And by the time I snapped, it would be too late to change anything. I would be stuck in darkness forever.

But would it truly be dark if Edward was there?

My mind was over loaded and I could no longer think. Did I want to be human, or not?

We changed classes and I found that instead of going to class, I jumped on the back of a motorcycle with my best friend. And we sped down to La Push.

We wound up on the beach, conversing about anything and everything. The conversation turned to when I would be changing. I blurted out "graduation" with a smile before I could think about my answer. I guess that answered my other question as well. If I was so eager to change, I couldn't want to be human that bad. And, the Cullens were almost human. They had feelings and acted human. The human in them had reawoken from the vampire induced slumber when they had stopped feeding on humans. Or it had never gone to sleep. My own vampire was like this. He basically was human. With the benefits of a vampire. The best of both worlds. Except that he couldn't grow old with me. Couldn't give me children. I wondered how much this pained him when he thought of it.

I saw Jacob's form quivering and knew that he hadn't expected it to be so soon.

"Jake, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have blurted it out like that. I didn't mean..." I trailed off, not knowing what to say at his expression.

"Bells, I won't lose you that fast, with out you knowing." And then he crashed his lips to mine, pulling me closer to him. I was overwhelmed with the heat. I tried to push away from him but it was no use. I was no match for his strength. Oh what I would give to have the muscles of a vampire!

I was surprised by my realization at how much I wanted to be a vampire at this moment. I stopped struggling for a second and he grasped me tighter, misunderstanding. I was caught off guard and found myself pressing closer to his heat, trying to get away from the cold spray of the ocean, moving closer to the warmth that was Jacob Black. And instead of longing to be a vampire, I felt more human than I had in months. And my dream came back to me. Not the part with Edward, but the part where Jacob was my husband and the father of my children. And I knew that I wanted to be human more than I had first believed. And Jacob could give me humanity.

_**I'm not sure if that made any sense at all. Please review. I don't care what you say, I will continue this story, but I want to hear what your opinion is. It will be painful to write this for me because I love Edward so much. It will change. I feel so evil. I have the power to break three hearts, but I will only mend two. I think this will be pretty short, and I'm not quite sure what the point of this is, except that the idea is there. I am sorry this will be so cruel, and the point of this is not to irreparably break hearts. I will not be doing that I hope. Ahh. I can't write anymore. **_


	2. Starts with Goodbye

_**A/N: Bad writer's block. It's driving me nuts. But I need to write this, so sorry if its bad. Steph, if you're out there somewhere, don't hate me for this story! Also, I want your honest opinion on this. Jill will read and review anything (Hey! I know. No offence intended. I promise. Love you more than Edward! You know what I just realized, I love a lot of people 'more than Edward' how sad! Thats supposed to be a measure of buddiness love, but its not really. -sniffle-) But, if you choose not to read this, I except that. For a Jacob lover, you aint team Jacob! haha. So are you team Edward or team Switzerland?**_

_**Still w4bd≤**_

_**Kasey (Jill... Steph gotzes it alreadys. Do you? HEHEHEHE. This is fun!) Why do I like being evil? -shuns self- I don't mean to be. Sorry if you all hate me! Stupid block causing negativity!**_

I broke away from Jacob, gasping. He had somehow loosened his grip when I had responded. I ran back towards the road, but I didn't know where to go. We had riden here on Jake's bike, and it wasn't like I could call Alice to come pick me up.

I began walking again. Once I got to the border, Alice would see me. I didn't know what else to do. I felt so lost. So alone. And yet I knew I had more than enough choices for who I wanted to be with. And that was the hard part. Because I now loved two of them. One more than the other, and in a different way, but the lesser also came with benefits that might out-weigh the attraction I felt for choice number one.

The rain had just started, matching my mood, and soaking me.

I continued walking and heard the sound of a vehicle behind me. I turned, glaring, expecting to see Jacob. But instead I saw Quil and Embry.

"Hey, Bella, want a ride?"

I nodded. I wondered if they noticed the battle raging in my mind.

I got into the car, dripping wet. While they drove me to the border, and if Alice wasn't waiting there, to her house, although that was probably breaking the treaty.

Alice was there, and when I thanked the boys and got back out of their car, she was glaring. 'If looks could kill' I would be past dead. Then again, so would she. Edward would rip her to pieces and glad drop a lit match on the pile. Edward. The name tore through me and the hole that had dispeared slowly began to reopen at the thought of the decision I had to make.

Alice glared more fiercely at me then, probably wondering why my future was flashing glimmers then disappearing before her eyes with my indecision. When we got back, I stomped off to Edward's room, got a shower and changed before sinking into a fitful sleep on the sofa.

When I woke, I was wrapped in a stone embrace and lying on something much softer than the couch in Edward's room. I saw the gold when I opened my eyes a little and knew I was on his ridiculous bed. My dreams had made up my mind. I felt guilty that the bed had barely been used.

I tried to roll out of Edward's grasp, but his strength made that impossible.

"I know you're mad at me, love. I want to apologize for that. I have a different perspective now. I won't do that ag--" I gasped. I had forgotten all about that. I felt the warm tears start to streak down my face and I was pulled closer to the cold body of the man I loved. As I sobbed into his shirt, I briefly reconsidered my decision. But then I saw the beautiful face of Esme, and then Rosalie, and knew that I would regret not doing this one day if I didn't at least _try_ to be human.

I broke down completely as the hole in my heart ripped wide open again. I tried to suck in air from the lungs that had seemed to stop functioning. I got a mouthful of the sweet scent that came off Edward.

I pushed away again, and just like I knew he would, he let go.

"I'm sorry, Edward," I managed to gasp out. He sat up and began rubbing my back. I felt I culd breath again, and I couldn't feel the wound in my heart anymore as he wrapped his arms round me again. I felt loved, and I wanted to love back. I wanted to put my arms around his neck, and tell him that I forgave him, which I did. I wanted to lean up and see how far he would let our kisses go, how long I could keep my lips pressed to his, before he would pull away for my safety.

NO! I had to at least try. Try Bella. Try. You'll regret it if you don't.

As I thought of his lips, and how he would pull away so he didn't hurt me, I realized that I loved that about him. Loved how protective he was of me. These things had frustrated me before, but now that I was going to try to live without them, I would miss them. I would miss every thing.

I knew I would forget the reasoning behind my thoughts if I let myself do much more, so I kissed his cheek.

"I forgive you Edward. I'm not mad at you. I'm sorry I went to La Push. I truly am." I had begun crying again, and I wondered how hot my tears felt to his cold, marble skin.

"Bella, I'm not mad at you either. I'm not going to make you choose anymore. I won't rip you in two." But if only he knew he was lying. He leaned down to kiss me. I turned my head to the side.

"I-I can't Edward. I've made up my mind. I didn't listen to you before, and maybe I should have. But I've been thinking a lot about what Rosalie said to me..." he grimaced and I knew he had heard what she said to me. "and I need to try and be human." I tried to say. I think he understood thanks to his super hearing, but a normal human would not have been able to decipher the sobs.

He seemed confused. But then he nodded. He always wanted what was best for me.

"Okay, Bella." He kissed my forehead, like he had that day in the forest, and I felt the same numbness set in. "Whatever you want. I will always be there, though. Remember that." And then he flashed out of the room, like he had that day in the forest. Except it was _me_this time that was breaking my own heart, and the heart of the one I loved. I got up slowly as my entire being melted away, turning cold. I didn't feel anymore, but the tears still streamed down my face. I stumbled down the stairs. No one was there. But my truck was in the driveway.

I managed to get into the cab before I completely lost it.

_**I was towards the end of the chapter, and the song Starts with Goodbye popped into my head, and I realized that it resembled this story. If I had remembered that song earlier, that is what this story would have been called. But anyway, you should listen to it. It's very Bella POV of chapter 26 in Eclipse. But I'd like to let you know that this is not based off of that. It just happened to fit... I still can't believe I'm even doing this story!**_


	3. In a Nightmare full of Sweet Dreams

_**A/N: It's hard to write depressing stuff when its sunny and beautiful. This will be much better tomorrow when it's all rainy. At least I hope it is. Sorry I didn't write any yesterday, or earlier today. I didn't feel well. I'm feeling better now though. :) I think I ate too much or something. Well, anyway, here's the story, so horrible, yet addicting. **_

_**Still w4bd≤**_

_**Kasey aka edwardcullenissosexy**_

When I composed myself enough to drive, I started the truck and started driving to my humanity. Funny, I didn't feel human at all right now.

The green seemed to form a tunnel around the road, surrounding it, suffocating it. Trapping me inside. The rain started pouring down, I could barely see. Or was it just that my eyes were too full of tears to see the lines clearly on the road.

A streak of white flashed across the cloud darkened sky. The thunder clap soon followed, matching my mood. But somehow, the storm gave me the strength to keep driving, towards Jacob. Jacob, my sun. He was the sun in a storm. Jacob would fix everything.

_Yes,_ said a small voice in my head. _But nothing would be wrong if you just stayed with Edward. _I told inner self to shut up, getting angry.

I speed up, pushing my truck faster, liking the sound of the protesting engine.

I saw the small house belonging to the Blacks and turned. I was almost smiling now. Maybe I was crazy. That was entirely possible.

Jacob heard the truck and came out to greet me. I looked at all 6'7" of him for the first time. I hadn't noticed the small features before. The way he stood, the way his hair was brushed, or not for that matter, the way he slouched, the small grin that wasn't quite all Jacob but was more Jacob at the same time.

He opened my door for me.

"Oh, Bells. I am so sorry. I didn't mean to do it. I shouldn't have. That was immature, and foolish, and I can behave I promise I don't want to push you away. I would rather be friends than nothing. I--"

"Jacob Black, I love you."

_**The end. JK, I would jump into the swamp with the alligators after slitting my wrists if I ended it there. **_

He stared at me, his mouth hanging open.

"What?"

I almost grinned at him, but my face muscles didn't seem to know how to smile anymore.

"I said I love you."

He picked me up and kissed my forehead. "Love you too, Bells. More than you know..."

I took a deep breath and pressed my lips to his. It felt right. And wrong. I wanted to push away and pull closer at the same time. I had made my decision though, I couldn't turn back now. I pulled closer.

Over the last few weeks, Jake and I had gotten closer. But _I_ had gotten farther away. My heart wasn't really there, loving Jacob like he should have been loved. Just a shadow. I couldn't deny that that Jake and I seemed perfect for each other. But I couldn't help but compare it to someone else. And that someone hadn't been in class. So I kept remembering things he would have said after school, what we would have done.

And other things I compared, which really wasn't fair to Jake. Like the way we kissed. Jacob had no fear of hurting me. He was mostly human, and _he_ wasn't. And I loved the way I could sit with Jacob and kiss without any fear of razor sharp teeth, but I also wished that he would be over-protective and not so reckless. I didn't want to ride motorcycles or that stuff. Well, maybe I did, but it brought me none of the satisfaction like it used to. I wasn't breaking promises, or hearing his voice this time.

Jacob was excited that I was spending so much time with him, that we were a couple. He was truly in love with me. He couldn't be happier, and his smile around me made it better.

Jake and I were walking down the beach, holding hands. It felt comfortable. But my heart was still empty.

"Jake, I had a dream." He looked at me, and raised his eyebrow, asking me without words to continue my sentence. "About us, you and me. And our kids." He grinned. I had been hesitant to tell him this, afraid that it would scare him away. I wasn't sure how he would the whole kids thing. I may have made up my mind about what I wanted from my life, but that didn't mean that he had. His reaction relieved me, and I actually smiled. My eyes were still distant, but I was probably the only one that noticed.

"Oh yeah, so tell me about this dream."

"I was sitting on the porch of our house, our daughter was sitting with me. You were playing tag with our son in the yard, and then our daughter asked if she could play... and you put her up on your shoulders and said 'gotcha' and when you put her down she started to chase after you, her brown hair blowing behind her, and then she turned and caught our son. He has a temper. And he kicks his foot. He got that from you, and his black eyes glint, and then he smiles, back to his sunny self, and then it ends." I was still smiling.

"You know you have a temper too."

"Yeah, but..."

"Hmm? But what?" He grinned at me.

I pushed his shoulder.

"But you're worse mister shape shifter."

"That's Mr. Werewolf Shape Shifter Extraordinaire to you."

"But, Jake! Do you realize how awful Mrs. Isabella Werewolf Shape Shifter Extraordinaire sounds? What a horrible name!" He smiled wider.

"Nah, you don't have to call me that I guess. Mrs. Isabella Black does sound better, but who said I wanted to marry you?"

"I say so, butthead. And even if you don't want to, when I'm ready, I will tie you up, stuff you in the truck and drive to Vegas. What are you going to do then?" He kissed me.

When he pulled back, breathless, he smiled again. "_You may kiss the bride_,"

"No, sorry, Elvis, you're a little slow. My husband can be a little impatient."

"So, when we gettin married, hun?" he asked jokingly.

"Uh... well, the idea of marriage scares me at the moment..."

"I understand. Let's not give your mother a heart attack. Or my dad for that matter. He would murder me if I didn't go to college first... he was so mad at my sister. It would probably be worse for me." He shook his head and then swirled his finger around as a sign for 'crazy'.

I chuckled.

See everything was perfect. Except that a part of me longed for the arms that had just wrapped around me to be ice cold and rock hard.

_**Sorry for the shortness. And the happiness. I told you I already knew how this would end, but I sort of changed it. Don't hurt me for the ending, when it does end. Also, after reading that chapter, who do you want Bella to be with. Are you Team Edward or Team Jacob? (for this story, not Breaking Dawn/ Eclipse) Review pwease? -puppy pout- **_


	4. Raining Sunshine

_**A/N: Soccerdog12 will kill me if this is the only story I update today, but it's cloudy out and its supposed to rain all day. Perfect for this story. :) So, only one person reviewed the last chapter, skystipe will review it eventually. So... to anyone out there actually reading this, please review? I know this isn't very popular, but come on? It isn't what you think. **_

Everyday I spent with Jacob, I was able to smile and be human. And I spent almost everyday down at La Push. Charlie didn't have any objections. I had come to realize that if I hadn't been clinging to the memory of Edward after he left, that I could have moved on with Jacob. I would have eventually. But Edward would still be a very deep part of me. And he still was. And I was dying inside, every passing minute sending me deeper into the blackness. I could still see Jacob standing there, holding the light, but he kept getting farther and farther away. Occasionally my eyes would glaze over, look almost dead, and I would just stare at nothing. I had nightmares, but no one was there to comfort me. I didn't fall asleep in anyone's arms like I had done for almost two years, minus a few months spent away from Edward.

I laughed with Jacob, stood next to him while he introduced me as his girlfriend to the wolves, though they already knew, and smiled. I walked hand in hand with him whenever we went any where together. I rode with him in my ancient truck, the radio still torn out from my previous loss, to dinner. I made him food, lots of it, all the time. And he smiled at me, kissed my cheek and complemented it. And I would comment on how it was nothing. But it all meant a lot to me. I had never been able to cook for my boyfriend before, never been able to ride in a vehicle, holding hands, with someone that wasn't going 80 miles per hour. And the warmth! It was a definite change. And I liked it. But I still couldn't help but see white marble arms wrapped around me in my dreams. Couldn't help but feel a cold breath on my cheek and whispers in my ear. Couldn't stop comparing the sweet scent to the woodsy one.

Being human was easy. But it was also very very hard, more difficult than I would have imagined, knowing that _he_ was only a few miles away, that he still loved me and would forever be waiting for me to change my mind.

Jacob noticed me staring sometimes.

"Bells, what's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing. Just thinking, that's all. No need to worry." But maybe he should have. And I think he did.

Charlie didn't help at all. He was ecstatic about the current situation, Edward no where to be found and me in Jacob Black's arms. He asked frequently but I never gave him a reason for why I broke up with Edward. Jacob never asked the reason. I guess he assumed that I just realized my love for him was more than my love for Edward. It was the wrong assumption but who was I to argue? I had already caused all of us involved in this multi species love tangle enough pain.

Currently, I was sitting on the sofa in the Blacks' living room, leaning on Jacob's warm arm. I was staring off into space, but I was absentmindedly tracing random patterns of Jake's arm.

He touched my hair softly, and I looked up into his black eyes.

"Love you, Jake," I murmured.

"I love you too, Bella. I love you too." I rested my head against him again, reveling in the heat, the smell, and the soft hardness. _**(don't tell me hard can't be soft. shut up all two of you! lol) **_

I hadn't slept well the night before, my nightmares got worse each night, and I when I closed my eyes, I was somehow able to immediately fall asleep, something I couldn't usually do now.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes. It was dark, but there was light coming from the TV that was now on. I heard Billy in the kitchen, making something. Jacob was looking at me, his eyes had a strange mixture of emotion that swirled around and made me dizzy. It was a cross between hurt and ecstatically happy.

"What?" I questioned, turning toward him, still pressed close to him.

"You were talking in your sleep." He answered. I blushed automatically, but then panicked. What had I said? I felt my breathing pick up as I wondered what had blurted out of my mouth in my unconscious state.

"You were talking about Edward, " he said softly. So that's where the hurt in his eyes had come from. "You kept apologizing to him, telling him that you still loved him." How could I have done that to Jake. Oh gosh!

His expression changed slightly.

"But you said that it didn't change things." He smiled then. Okay, so good. I hadn't blurted out the truth, that I loved Edward with all but a small corner of my heart but I wanted to be human so I was giving the tiny corner what it wanted? Not the best thing to tell your temperamental werewolf boyfriend.

I smiled back at him. "It truly doesn't." I had been wondering if it actually did... but I couldn't do that to them. I had made up my mind, and I was going to stick to my decision. Jake's smile widdened.

"And you talked about me. _A lot_." I smacked his arm, I knew he wouldn't really feel it. Stupid werewolf toughness. "So I'm _hot_are I? Were you referring to my body heat or my physical appearance?" I tried to think back to the dream and blushed.

"Both." I mumbled.

He grinned even wider. "So you want me to marry you, eh? Isn't the guy usually supposed to be the one proposing?" he teased. I rolled my eyes at him.

"Glad you're enjoying yourself. Careful though, when you eavesdrop you might here something you might not want to hear," I threatened, but then I realized that he had already. Oops.

He chuckled softly. "Sorry, Bells. But you're just so cute when you say my name in your dreams." He brushed his lips against mine. I responded slightly but then pulled back, annoyed with him.

"It's one thing to listen to me while I'm defenseless, saying random junk that may or may not make any sense or mean anything, but then you _tease me about it_? That's just cruel. One time, I'm going to pretend to sleep and make sure I tell you allll about how hot that actor in the movie we saw last week was and how I wish that he would come get me, elope in Vegas, and take me to his house on the hill in California." That shut him up. He smirked again though.

"Oh you would, would you? And tell me, how 'hot' was this actor? Or did you even pay attention to the movie? I seem to remember you staring at me an awful lot. It was rather distracting. When you left I had to put the movie back on because I had no idea what it was about," he admitted. See! I can get distracted by Jacob too! He has dazzling eyes too. Not like Edward but... _Stop Bella, stop. You chose Jacob. Get used to it and stop thinking about him. _

Later that night, as I was getting ready for bed, I thought of something and smiled. I hadn't had my nightmare. Jacob was my magic sun, driving the clouds away. But my mood sank again, especially thinking about other people that used to spy on my sleep talking. And thinking about the cold chest I used to press up against as I fell deep into sleep, listening to a sweet song, written by the owner of that chest, that was being hummed into my ear. And then I started remembering electrifying kisses and tingling touches. Being stuck to the floor from a brush of the hand, or not being able to start the truck. And then I remembered Biology. And the microscope. I fell asleep thinking of that first 'hello.'


	5. Tears Fall Down

_**So... to anyone still reading this, thank you. Now, if you REALLY REALLY love me, bug soccerdog12 and tell her to read this, its not a Jacob story. JK, leave her alone. Don't mess with her. -smiles to all- Review please. **_

_**Oh, I'm writing a song. I've been told I am a horrible singer, but I am writing a song. I might post it in here. **_

While the effortless days with Jacob got better, the nights got worse. I was barely sleeping at all. Nightmares plagued my mind and in the morning I couldn't get rid of the haunting feelings the dreams had given me until I was back in Jacob's arms, leaving me depressed until after school. And then graduation came. Jake and his father came and cheered me on. Alice and Edward didn't show up, I heard their diplomas were mailed to them. They were 'sick' and hadn't been able to attend the last few weeks of school, but had taken their tests online and were all set to go to college. Dartmouth. Figures.

Today, Jacob and I were at my house for once. Charlie wasn't home from work yet, but he wold be soon so I was making dinner, and Jake was attempting to help. He was mostly just making a mess. I laughed as he tried to stir the bubbling pasta I was making and the water sloshed over the edge of the pot. He scowled.

"I do know how to cook, Bella."

"Sure sure. Now will you pass me the spoon and let _me_ do it?" He chucked the spoon towards me and I, of course, didn't catch it. He chuckled at me. I stalked to the drawer and opened it, grabbing a spoon. I picked up the spoon that had fallen to the floor and smacked him over the head with it.

"Jake, just leave the room. I'll call you in when I'm done. Turn on the T.V. a sports channel should be on." He gave me a funny look. I had been joking with him just a moment before, but I was grumpy from lack of sleep.

"Bells," he stepped closer to me and ran his thumbs over the dark circles present under my eyes. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just haven't been sleeping well is all. Maybe I miss sleeping in your arms, I seemed to sleep better the other day." He gave me another funny look, I could feel the questions in my eyes. He was hiding something.

"That was sleeping well?" he mumbled incredulously under his breath where he thought I couldn't hear it.

"Just let me finish cooking Jake."

He moved out of the kitchen, by the time I had cooled down my anger, I was done and had set the table. I called Jake back in and Charlie walked through the door with perfect timing.

"Oh, hey Jake!" He smiled as he hung up his belt and gun and took off his boots.

As we ate, we talked about our days. Jake and I had spent the whole day just hanging out, like usual, since we no longer had school.

Charlie didn't care that Jake and I spent the day alone. I almost rolled my eyes. If anything, Edward was the one Charlie should worry about the least.

Charlie looked at me after Jake glanced quickly in my direction. They were having some sort of silent conversation and they were both frowning.

I glared at Jake, and he smiled at me and grabbed my hand under the table. He wasn't afraid of Charlie related PDA like Edward had been.

I relaxed slightly. Maybe he had been trying to tell Jake something about the wolves. They had disappeared, and Charlie was probably asking if Jake had seen anything, he did that sometimes, and he knew it freaked me out (but it was because I was afraid Charlie knew something) so they hadn't been talking about it recently. That's probably all it was.

Jake offered to clean up the dishes and I let him. I went upstairs to change into something more comfortable and when I came back down, there was nothing left for me to do.

I wasn't smiling because I had caught sight of my reflection in the bathroom and was trying to push my 'zombie days' out of my mind, along with vampires that my pale face and dark eyes reminded me of. I missed vampires. Badly. But I had already made my choice. It was hard not to take it all back sometimes.

"Bells, I'm going to go now. I know you wanted to watch a movie, but Sam called. Wants to discuss what we're going to do at the next meeting. I'm sorry. Why don't you try to get some sleep okay? I'm worried about you." I knew that I still wouldn't get much sleep, no matter what.

"Don't worry about me, Jake. Go be werewolfy." He smiled then kissed me softly, then disappeared out the door, leaving me to think about Edward for the rest of the night, no escape and no refuge I decided I would try and sleep, like he had said.

I woke up about two A.M. screaming. Well, at least I got a little more sleep than usual.

I laid back down after splashing cold water on my face, and let the tears fall. I always felt the worst late at night, and most of the time I cried, almost regretting my decision to leave Edward before I would convince myself that I had made the right choice.

I heard a scrapping at my window and ran to see the face of my love, though he was usually quieter. As I opened the window, I was ready --in my current state of mind-- to run into his arms when he stepped through, apologize and admit how wrong I had been, then beg him to take me back.

Jacob stepped through the window noisely and I stepped back, whiping my tears as more fell, at a quicker pace.

"Oh, Bella." He wrapped his arms around me and stroked my hair. I sobbed into his shirt for a few seconds before I realized I shouldn't be crying and had no reason to be.

I pushed away from his embrace and grabbed a few tissues and tried to dry my face.

"I remembered that earlier I forgot to tell you that I loved you. I am so sorry. I didn't mean to make you upset. I truly do love you, Isabella. More than you know. I'm here now. It's okay." I sobbed more, knowing that wasn't the reason I was crying, I think he knew it too. He was pacing the room while apologizing. I got the feeling the 'I'm so sorry's weren't for forgetting to tell me that he loved me. He knew that I knew. I yawned.

"Well, I guess now that you know, I'll umm, go?"

"Stay, please." He gave me a small smile.

"Okay."

We squished into my bed that was suddenly extremely small with Jacob in it, and also very warm, and I curled up in his arms. I laid my head against his chest and tried to get to sleep again. With him running his fingers over my face, I was soothed. The warmth of his fingers was making me tired, like warm milk for little kids, and I felt my eyes drifting closed.

" 'Night, Jake. Love you." I mumbled.

"Good night, Isabella. I love you so much." He pushed his face into my hair and I heard his breathing even out in no time at all. As soon as he couldn't see, I let a few more tears fall from my eyes before I fell asleep again.

_**Okay, that was the most awful chapter, in my opinion, that I have done in a while. Sorry. I might rewrite it later. Review and make me feel better? Sorry again for the suckyness. That chapter disgusts me. Hope it didn't make your eyes bleed. With any luck, you enjoyed it. **_


	6. Rush of Pain

_**A/N: So... all three of you... thanks for reviewing. A certain reviewer though... I am very concerned about. Skystripe has gone officially mental. She has betrayed her cats and her friends. I am very mad at her right now... and she has some explaining to do, so she better respond. Oh, and she never told me who that peron on her profile was. I WANT TO KNOW! So she better respond to this with answers or I will leave her more angry voicemails. Oh, and if she doesn't... I will never tell her a secret that I am reluctant to tell her anyway because she will blow it WAAAAAYYYYYY out of proportion and then tell everyone else and they will hurt me and I will be banned from being friends withe them for life! (jk,... I think. You guys would never ban me from being friends with you, even ig I am crazy, right?) Okay, enough of my rant. Again though, in case you hadn't figured it out I DONT LIKE JACOB. IT HURTS ME TO DO THIS STORY AND THINGS WILL BE CHANGING. **_

_**still w4bd≤**_

_**Kasey aka edwardcullenissosexy**_

I woke up very hot. And I heard light snoring from next to me. I pushed the sheets off of me, Jake had already kicked them off, and climbed out of bed, then opened the window. I thought about last night and realized I had been very weak. Jake should have never seen that, and normally he wouldn't have. Before this, whenever I had felt myself getting weaker, I threw myself further towards Jacob, and it usually helped. But at night it was worse because I was lying to myself and I knew it. I just couldn't do that to them again. I had to stick to my choice, not break more hearts, and shatter my own, again, in the process. Today, I would have to make up for last night. More 'I love you's and kisses should do it. It was a good thing that Jake thought I had been crying about him last night well, I guess it was this morning but... I didn't like making him feel guilty, but as long as he knew that I 'forgave' him, he should be fine.

I realized how heartless I sounded thinking that. But then, I had mostly lost my heart. I kissed Jacob on the forehead before going to take a shower.

_**ahhhhhhh hot!! ow ow ow ow ow. I was trying to type out side instead of in my uncomfy room... but its wayyyyyyy to hot except when the wind blows. Like now... ahh. But my feet are still burning... going inside. Mmkay, inside now. It is now hours later because I felt the need to attack my ears with Taylor Swift and My Chemical Romance (they are actually good. And I am not emo. yet.) **_

He rolled over, but otherwise stayed asleep. After attempting to scrub away all of my depression, I walked back into my room. Jake was now sprawled out on my bed, stretched with his feet hanging off the edge. I felt guilty for making him curl up.

His arm moved liked it was searching for something and then he mumbled something. He turned his head. The light from the window was now in his eyes. His hand flashed up in a quick movement to cover them. He mumbled again and sat up, rubbing his eyes.

"Mmm, Bells?"

"Goodmorning, Jake!" I tried to be annoyingly perky.

"Uhh. I thought you weren't a morning person."

"I'm not. Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah I guess. You're bed's more comfortable than mine, but with you in it, it's smaller."

"Sorry." I looked down as I said this, not meeting his eyes to make sure he couldn't see how guilty I felt when the previous night was concerned.

"Don't worry about it. I liked sleeping with you."

"Jake!"

"Kidding. You know what I mean. Gosh Bells, have you been hanging out too much with Quil? Get your mine out of the gutter!"

I tossed the towel I had in my hand at him. He grinned and caught it easily.

"So what are we doing today?" I asked him.

"Not sure, but I better go home unless I could use your shower?"

"No problem. Go ahead. Wait, I'll get you a towel." I walked out of the room and came back with the largest towel that we had which would probably still be too small for him. I handed it to him and noticed that he had a change of clothes in his hand. I gave him a questioning look.

He smiled sheepishly. "I had a feeling?" I rolled my eyes at him.

While Jacob went to clean up, I wondered around my room picking things up. I tossed the clothes that were lying across the rocking chair into the hamper in my room. While walking around my room, distractedly thinking about who used to sit in the rocking chair, I stubbed my toe on something. I bent down to examine the now throbbing toe and saw that it didn't look as bad as it felt. The thing I had tripped over was a loose floor board. The memories came rushing back to me.

All my birthday presents, the C.D., the tickets, my pictures, had all been hidden under this piece of wood when Edward had left. I remembered how the emptiness inside me had healed, disappeared when Edward was there. My current emptiness could never be healed.

I was lying on the floor gasping when I felt a warm hand touch my shoulder, and I jumped. When I realized it was Jake, I let out a sigh of relief and let him wrap his arms around me.

"Are you okay, Bells?"

"Yeah, I'm feeling much better now."

He sighed and I could practically feel the inner struggle he was having. I was about to ask him what was wrong when he spoke again.

"Well, are you ready to go?" He sounded pained about something.

"Go where?" I asked suspiciously.

"Hmm... not going to tell you." He started to tease. "Now let's get something to eat," he said in the same tone as before.

He helped me up and we went down to the kitchen, and scavenged for cereal.

In less than an hour, we were sitting in my truck and Jake was driving to somewhere he would refuse to tell me. He was more stubborn than I was so I eventually gave up trying to get him to reveal our destination.

I was gazing at him most of the way trying to figure out if his posture revealed anything about where we were headed. It looked slumped and sort of defeated, and that didn't tell me much. I kept my hand on his arm while he was driving as well, trying to comfort him from whatever he was thinking.

My gaze turned to a glare when we turned down a bumpy dirt road.

"Jacob William Black, tell me where we're going _right now_."

_**He had to have a middle name... Anyway, please review. I would love you more than Edward! (who I love very much thank you.) No matter what you're review says. Well, except for you Jill. You scared me with that one review and I still want to know whats wrong with you. **_


	7. Mistake of Anguish

_**A/N: Sorry I didn't update for three days, I was being lazy yesterday (I would have, but I knew I was going to be able to today...) and Sunday, I was in a car all day, Monday, I didn't get on the computer where I was at because I didn't want my passwords discovered. Hehe. Grr. Yeah, whenever I'm over there, people (grrish people) read my mail over my shoulder and then make me browse through all of my folders and trash bins so they can see who I have been sending stuff to... yeah, the meaning of privacy doesn't exist when you're a book hating drunken idiot. LOL. Anyway, review if you can, skystripe, STILL waiting on an explanation... and I have something to tell you, but I am very reluctant to because you'll WAYYYY blow it up into something it isn't. (well... it might be when I'm not thinking straight or having random thoughts... but not really and those random thoughts include manyrandom people so no, it isnt what you think, or what you will think when/if I tell you.) So anyway, please review, I would love you forever! Oh, and I am being forced to do yet another Jake fic so my friend won't murder Edward. I must protect him! So I shall make Jake a player. Mwhaha. **_

I had no idea where Jacob was taking me, but I had been down enough side roads with _him_ that I was gasping for air and clutching my sides, remembering the meadow, and _his_ house.

"Bella, you know that I love you, right?" I looked at Jake with tear filled eyes when he spoke and then nodded. "And I would do anything to make you happy?" I nodded again. I opened my mouth to tell him that I was happy, well, not at this second, but I was happy most of the time, but he interrupted me before I could start. "You're not happy, Bells. But you will be."

"That still doesn't answer the question. Tell me where you're taking me. If we're going somewhere special or something like that, tell me that it's a surprise, if not you better spit it out."

He sighed. I looked at him again from where I had turned my head to glare at the passing trees. He had tears in his eyes.

"Jake? I didn't mean to get angry with you. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I'm sorry. Don't be upset. Jacob?" I grabbed his arm tighter. "I love you too, okay? You just know how much I hate surprises, and I guess I didn't sleep as well as I thought I did last night."

He grasped my hand lightly and brought it up to his lips, kissing it gently. The warmth felt nice, almost like it was warming my heart, but not enough, I could still only give Jacob a little piece of my heart. And I was still curious as to where we were going. Jake was going really slow, so I couldn't really tell how long the road was or when it would end.

"Bella, promise me that one day, years from now, you'll look back and remember how much I loved you. I will always love you, no matter what happens, who I meet and fall in love with or how long I live, a little slice of my heart and soul will always belong to you. But I want you to be happy, you're not whole. You _aren't_ happy. I want the best for you Bells, and while I would like to believe that I am the best thing for you, I know that I'm not, and I know who makes you happy, who brings a genuine smile to your face. I may be a pretty good substitute, but I'm not the real thing. You may have not wanted to give some things up, but looking at you now, I know those things don't really matter, and they never did. You may love me, but it isn't the same. Don't pretend anymore Bella, because I can't pretend that it's really me and this life that you truly want anymore."

"Ar-are you breaking up with me?" I asked in a confused tone as I took my hand away from Jacob's so I could circle it around myself, trying to hold everything together. I had nothing now. Nothing at all. I knew Edward would take me back, but I didn't want to do that to him. He would feel like he was the second choice even though he would always be the first. I just couldn't hurt him like that, I had already hurt him enough.

He pressed harder on the gas pedal, not answering.

"Oh no. You're _not_ going to leave me in the woods, Jacob. I can't handle that. Don't do that to me, Jacob. Take me home. I don't want to go anywhere."

"Bells, just calm down. Everything will work out for you. You'll see. Don't worry about so much, Bella. Everything will be fine, trust me." I nodded once again.

I leaned my head back so I was staring at the ceiling and closed my eyes. Taking slow breaths that didn't seem to reach my lungs, I managed to calm myself slightly. Jacob may be leaving me, but he hasn't forced me out of the truck yet, and there's still something he wants to do. I should just let him handle the situation or whatever it was however he wanted to.

The road we were on got slightly smoother, and I looked up as my old truck rolled to a stop. We were now sitting in front of a big white house.

There was somebody on the front steps. He looked like he hadn't slept in years, and his black, tortured eyes stared at my truck like he wished it would swallow him whole, so he wouldn't have to face the world again. Upon seeing me staring, he smiled a crooked grin that didn't reach his beautiful eyes and was obviously forced. Even through all of the noticeable anguish-- the anguish which seemed to mirror my own insides-- he was still the most beautiful being on this planet, inside and out. You could see the kindness and the self sacrifice he was going through. It was recognizable to anyone paying attention. I longed to comfort him, to sit in his lap and run my fingers through his messy bronze hair, to tell him I was sorry and didn't mean what I said, to kiss him and then never leave his arms. But I knew I couldn't do that. And I also knew that if I told him I hadn't meant what I said, it would be a lie. I had wanted to be human, my heart had disagreed, and so had part of my mind, but I knew that if I didn't try to be the human I knew I should have been, I would have regretted it sometime later. Too late, later. Not even temporary mortality would have been enough time for me to figure it out. But I would have. Maybe when the rest of the world was dead and the immortals were still there, starving to death, I would wish I had chosen a different path. Maybe when we moved to yet another rainy area, I would be reminded of something and would wish that I had chosen differently. But I knew somehow I would have regretted it.

Jake was opening my door, he was already out, and was trying to shake me from my thoughts so I would get out. Still staring at the broken looking man in the stairs, I slowly climbed out of the truck. Jacob wrapped his arms around me, and I returned the gesture automatically. When I reality caught up with me, and I realized where we were, I tried to pull away but he wouldn't let me go. I squirmed.

"Jacob! What are you doing? Let go of me. Stop. Leave him alone. I've hurt him enough all read--" I broke down crying and leaned my head against his chest.

"Ja-cob." I blubbered. He tried to sooth me.

He leaned down and pressed his face into my hair. His warm breath tickled my ear.

"I love you, Bells. Always will. Goodbye." And in a flash the heat was gone, replaced with icy granite. The pain of remembering those arms, and knowing that I was with Jacob and not the one I really wanted, was too much. I blacked out.

_**Ok... it's almost over... so cruel aren't I? So so cruel. **_


	8. Golden Eyed Confusion

_**A/N: I've been told the last chapter was confusing. If you have any questions, ASK. And skystripe, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't ask about it where other people can hear (if you can come and I'm REALLY hoping you can. Oh, my mom is off all the rest of today, until 5 then after 8 your parents can talk to her again if they wanna. Tomorrow till 2 she's available for talking, weekend: after 6.)Then they'll wanna know, and I am positive that at least one of them would smack me over the head with her copy of Breaking Dawn and then proceed to beat me black and blue. Seriously. Oh, and I know one other person that will be there will already beat me and I don't want that to happen twice. (btw, I'm wearing black nail polish, don't hurt me! Its not on my whole finger! Even Ms. Let's-go-to-American-Eagle says it's okay.) Uh... about the story... I think this is the last chapter. DONT MURDER ME! I am evil, I know. But the twist at the end makes it alright. **_

I woke up in Edward's arms. When I realized where I was, I began to panic again. I was supposed to be in Jacob's arms, not Edward's. But Jake had I guess given me back. I wasn't sure how I felt about that, but the gushing whole in my heart told me that I felt unwanted. Well, Edward seemed content.

When I thought about the truth in a broad perspective, I realized I was more of a monster than I had originally thought.

I had purposely lied to myself to save a little regret down the road.

I left Edward so I could be 'human'. Something I knew I never really wanted to be.

I had broken his heart, and broken all the promises I had ever made to him.

I then lied to Jake, telling him I loved him enough to be with him for the rest of my too-short human life.

I pretended that in his arms was where I wanted to be.

I used him to attempt to heal the whole that being without Edward had put in me.

I let him suffer, watching me struggle to lie everyday. (I now realized that he knew I was pretending)

Then, I let him witness one of the most terrible times of the day, because I needed him.

I let him hear me screaming out for Edward in my sleep.

I wa unhappy with him, and not a good enough liar, so he sacrifices his heart and puts me back in a place where I'll be happy.

So I broke his heart too.

And I mauled up Edward's heart and mind by coming back.

And during all of this, I knew what I was doing and didn't stop it. Oh, and I shattered my own heart into ten thousand pieces as well.

Three broken, beaten hearts, one person to blame. Of course, even though we all knew this was all my fault, two of those hearts would blame themselves.

Let the self loathing begin.

The tears slipped down my face, burning hot and ice cold at the same time, just like the two men my heart was torn in shreds for. I let them stream down my face as I thought of how horrible I was. I didn't deserve to be hear, safe and comfortable with the man I would give my soul to, the man who I loved with all but sliver of my heart. I tried to move, to get away, to quit causing pain. If I was gone, who could I hurt? God wouldn't take me anyway, so the real question was, am I such a monster that I could hurt the devil? Destroy the emotions of the demons and the damned, making them loath themselves even more?

Cold marble locked around me, forming my prison, not letting me escape.

Instead of trying to pull away like I should have, and I knew he would let me go, I chose to cause more pain, and I let myself sob into his shirt. He wrapped his arms tighter.

"I am so sorry, Bella."

"I know you're mad at me, love. I want to apologize for that. I have a different perspective now. I won't do that again. It was out of line, and I shouldn't have. You have every right to hate me. I would understand--" A sense of deja-vu was torturing my mind.

"What are you talking about?"

"Aren't you mad at me?"

"No... why would I be? It's _me_ that you should be made at. Oh, I knew you were going to do this. _It's not your fault. Stop blaming yourself. All me. No one else_."

He looked confused.

He pulled one arm away from the death grip he had on my waist and put his hand to my forehead.

"Bella? Are you okay, love? You're not sick are you?"

"Yes, Edward, I'm sick. Sick of being a monster. Sick of hurting everyone around me. I am so so sorry, and I didn't mean it. I don't know why I did it. I was confused, and delusional for a few minutes as to what I wanted. A few minutes was all it took though. I couldn't bear the thought of coming back and bringing you more pain than I already had, and look, I did it anyway." I couldn't continue because my words weren't making any sense. I sobbed and Edward stroked the tears away from my face. When he began to kiss them away, I cried harder.

"You kept saying that earlier too..."

"I--I'm nnot. Surrrpri-sed."

"Why?"

I stared at him through blury eyes and his light golden eyes were honestly confused.

"Why not? Why wouldn't I?"

"I don't know. You were the one sleep talking."

_**Okay, I lied. One more chapter. hehehehe. hehehehe. hehehehe. That was fun.**_


	9. He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

_**So, I was literally jumping up and down because I GOT IT!! I started writing this yesterday, and the chapter wasn't working. Skystripe is the only reason it didn't get scribbled out. This morning I started yet another chapter 9 since I haven't liked ANYTHING I've done enough to post here, and I GOT IT! I think it's better than so much of the other stuff I have done with chapter 9. The problem: I couldn't stop. I wrote all day when I got the chance and I'm still not done. I'm probably going to break it into a couple of chapters instead of this being the last chapter like I previously thought. I'm so excited! Can't wait to see what you think. Bye writer's block! YAY! **_

And then I burst into tears.

The sobs shook me and I repeated my apologies over and over again. The relief flowed through me. I clutched myself tighter to Edward, soaking his shirt in salt water.

He tried to calm me, whispering that everything would be alright, that he loved me and he was here for me. I knew he couldn't understand why I was crying. I didn't want him to see me like this, but there was nothing I could do to stop it, I had no control, my body had taken over. Eventually my eyes dried but the sobs continued. When they quieted, Edward used his cool hand to lift my face.

"Did you have a nightmare, love?" he asked, so softly and so lovingly that my eyes started to water again. He moved his thumbs across my cheeks slowly. It had to be driving him insane to not be able to read my mind at the moment, more than usual, but he didn't ask what I was thinking. He looked pained over something, and looking into his warm golden eyes, I realized that ir was because of _me_. My pain was his pain and seeing me like this hurt him beyond compare. Maybe hurt him more than what the dream Edward went through when I left him.

That's all he ever wanted was for me to be happy. I was too selfish to do the same for him, though I'd never get the opportunity to test this theory.

"Yes. No. I don't know!" I blubbered out, answering his question.

"Do you want to talk about it, maybe I could help? You don't have to though if you don't want to. I would understand if you just wanted to forget about it." The love that visibly shone from him, for me, was too much. Though I felt horrible tricking him, I had to do it one last time before I revealed all to him and he left me.

My lips crashed to his. He was surprised, and then I could tell that he was confused, but he responded to my lips automatically. I was the one that pulled away. I took a deep breath, not just to fill my lungs with the oxygen that I had lost from kissing, but to prepare myself for what I was about to do.

"I-I talked to Rosalie. Well, she talked to me. I'm not sure if it was a dream, or if it was real, but that's what started it." He had nodded when I had said I talked to Rosalie, his jaw clenched with anger at his sister-- it was understandable after what it has caused me to do-- so assumed that conversation took place.

"And I had a dream about our children. It was wrong of me, I know. I already have so much and I never want to give what I have up, I couldn't live without you, Edward. At least that's what I thought... And then it transformed into somebody else's kids, another man playing tag, another wedding band on my finger..." I stopped. He was _smiling_! I told him that my dream self had imagined me married to another man and he was _grinning_ about it? A look of despair crossed my face.

Had he been waiting for this to happen? Waiting for me to fall in love with someone else, even in dreams, so he could be free of me? Was he sick of me again? He had come back with me before, but had he been lying? Now that he thought I had another, did he think I would be mentally stable enough to leave? I expected at any second he would jump up and just walk away, though this _was_ his room, he would probably just kick me out and tell me to never come back. I knew it was too good to be true. Charlie was right.

"Bella, what's wrong? What happened next?" he asked curiously. He noticed my expression.

"Bella?" I could see him going over what he had said, what he had done, in his mind. His face froze.

"Oh, Bella! I love you, don't you get that? With all of my long dead heart, I love you. I never will ever leave you again, and I don't hope that you will leave me. Forever. I want forever with you. I was smiling because we were married. You dreamed of my ring on your finger. You _wanted_ to be married to me." He smiled again. I gave him a faint one, but it didn't touch my eyes.

"And then I 'woke up' or at least I thought I did," I continued. "It was in my head all day, and then Jacob picked me up. And somehow during the evening, he kissed me. And I realized that I wanted to be human. Just for a minute, I wanted it. But it was enough.

"When I got home, to your house, I went to bed, my thoughts swirling and confused. It had felt nice kissing Jacob, and it was easy to be with him, and it was easy to love him. And even though I didn't love him the same way, I knew he could give me what I wanted.

"So I left you. Just a few moments my mind didn't know what it was talking about. _Just a few moments_! And then it was all too late. I had made my decision and I wouldn't hurt you by going back. I was a monster for leaving, but going back would be like ripping out your heart and mind, and setting them on fire. I couldn't do that. It wouldn't be fair to you. And though it was easy to be with Jake, too easy actually, it was still excruciatingly hard. I wanted cold, not warm, wanted someone to curl up with as I slept, missed your sweet scent, your topaz eyes. Every night, my dreams were filled with you. My will power was weakening and I had to constantly remind myself why I shouldn't be with you. Jacob noticed that I wasn't fully myself, he had seen me when I was happier. And he heard me sleep talking. He took me back. To you. I managed to mangle and tear up three hearts with just a few words... 'good bye.'

"I passed out somewhere along the way, and when I woke up, you were holding me. That's when I really woke up, I guess. I don't know what's real and what isn't. All I know is that I'm a horrible person and I left you. I am so so sorry. I deserve to be alone. No one wants me and if they did, they're too good for me. I'm a monster that destroys everything in her path."

I buried my head in my arm, trying to pull away from him, but he wouldn't let me go. I could also tell that he was mad. Really mad. And it was my fault. Whatever he did to me, I deserved it. Suddenly, his cool lips were on mine; I could still feel the anger there. But that anger made the kiss more passionate. I definitely didn't deserve this. It wasn't making any sense! Maybe I was still asleep, still dreaming. Maybe this was all a dream. Or none of it was and Edward was just trying to tell me what I wanted to hear, to soothe me, hiding his pain that I had left him and then came back. I didn't know!

His lips left mine. "I love you, Bella." And then the blankets, the bed, the room, were empty of his presence, like he had never been there in the first place. Maybe he hadn't. Maybe not only this whole mess I had made but all of this had just been a dream. Edward didn't exist, he was just a lovely figment of my imagination. I had finally cracked. I never talked to Edward, I was always talking to myself. I was really in a mental hospital, not his gold room. No, that couldn't be. _Some_ of it had to be real! At least one thing...

And then the yelling started.


End file.
